is your mom at the bar?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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