PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
