are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
