you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
