she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
