i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize