did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Buhtt sex?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm too high and old for this...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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