drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
