did you get engaged???
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
