My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
