Please, let me fuck your mom
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
