He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
