We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
