I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize