Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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