I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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