we have pet lesbian snakes
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
