My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
