I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
