I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
