Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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