Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
