There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
