I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
