U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
