I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
