I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
