I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
