Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
