Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
