I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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