I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
