im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
