I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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