I wish I could punch you in the face.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize