Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
