I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
