4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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