You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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