This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
