3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
