Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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