you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
