All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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