the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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