You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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