Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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