Me too!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
