I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize