Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
