The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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