yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
