his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
