so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
