the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
