if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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