I wish I could teleport
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
